By Brian Summerfield, Online Editor, REALTOR® Magazine
It was Monday morning. I had just sat down at my desk and started to sip my morning coffee and sift through the first e-mails of the week when I got a message about it: NAR Scandal. A new Web site run by some fearless yet anonymous whistleblowers was threatening to expose all of our shadowy operations.
I immediately put down my coffee and ran for the secret elevator in NAR HQ that took me straight down to our war room — a steel-reinforced bunker 500 feet below downtown Chicago — where an emergency summit was already taking place. NAR CEO Dale Stinton was already there, as was 2010 President Vicki Cox Golder, along with assorted association mucky mucks. Also in attendance were covert NAR “assets,” which included U.S. Senator John Ensign, syndicated columnist George Will, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mike Mullen, billionaire investor Warren Buffett, and basketball star LeBron James.
Stinton started the meeting: “NAR leaders, distinguished guests … We’re all here today because we face a grave threat from a mysterious outside organization that’s got the goods on us, and has advised us that they’re going public with this knowledge.”
“Pardon the question,” Buffett interjected, “but exactly what ‘goods’ are we talking about them revealing? We’ve got our fingers in a lot of pies.”
“Well, we have to assume the worst,” Stinton said. “Our secret deal with the Federal Reserve to keep mortgage rates down, the sudden ascendancy of pop sensation Justin Bieber, the capture and dissection of the Loch Ness Monster, our backing of Baader-Meinhof. It could be any of those. It could be ALL of those.”
“Poor Nessie …” mumbled Will.
“How do you think they found out about our super-secret operations?” James asked. “Has someone infiltrated the inner sanctum of NAR?”
“We don’t know if we have a mole or not,” Stinton said. “But regardless of their methods, they’ve managed to get a lot of info on us. I mean, they even found out about our secret installations in Greenland and Siberia. It’s right there on the map on their home page!”
“So how do we stop them?” Ensign asked.
“I don’t know if we can,” Stinton said. “Fortunately, they seem to be hesitant to talk about themselves, their agenda, or anything at all for that matter. Of course, if we sign up for a site membership, starting at about $20 a month, we could get more information …”
“What’s everyone looking at me for?” Buffett said.
“Don’t worry about it, Warren. Anyway,” Stinton continued, “we need to keep our eyes on these folks. Any day now, they’re going to come out with sensitive information about the inner workings of NAR that REALTORS® and the general public are going to be shocked — shocked! — to find out about. I’m sure of it. Any day now. Very soon. Seriously. Could be anytime at all. Really, I mean it.”
Editor’s Note: While we take very seriously any effort to denigrate the great work thousands of REALTOR® volunteers provide to their industry, we can laugh at ourselves too!