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Where’s the (NAR) Scandal?

By Brian Summerfield, Online Editor, REALTOR® Magazine

It was Monday morning. I had just sat down at my desk and started to sip my morning coffee and sift through the first e-mails of the week when I got a message about it: NAR Scandal. A new Web site run by some fearless yet anonymous whistleblowers was threatening to expose all of our shadowy operations.

I immediately put down my coffee and ran for the secret elevator in NAR HQ that took me straight down to our war room — a steel-reinforced bunker 500 feet below downtown Chicago — where an emergency summit was already taking place. NAR CEO Dale Stinton was already there, as was 2010 President Vicki Cox Golder, along with assorted association mucky mucks. Also in attendance were covert NAR “assets,” which included U.S. Senator John Ensign, syndicated columnist George Will, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Mike Mullen, billionaire investor Warren Buffett, and basketball star LeBron James.

Stinton started the meeting: “NAR leaders, distinguished guests … We’re all here today because we face a grave threat from a mysterious outside organization that’s got the goods on us, and has advised us that they’re going public with this knowledge.”

“Pardon the question,” Buffett interjected, “but exactly what ‘goods’ are we talking about them revealing? We’ve got our fingers in a lot of pies.”

“Well, we have to assume the worst,” Stinton said. “Our secret deal with the Federal Reserve to keep mortgage rates down, the sudden ascendancy of pop sensation Justin Bieber, the capture and dissection of the Loch Ness Monster, our backing of Baader-Meinhof. It could be any of those. It could be ALL of those.”

“Poor Nessie …” mumbled Will.

“How do you think they found out about our super-secret operations?” James asked. “Has someone infiltrated the inner sanctum of NAR?”

“We don’t know if we have a mole or not,” Stinton said. “But regardless of their methods, they’ve managed to get a lot of info on us. I mean, they even found out about our secret installations in Greenland and Siberia. It’s right there on the map on their home page!”

“So how do we stop them?” Ensign asked.

“I don’t know if we can,” Stinton said. “Fortunately, they seem to be hesitant to talk about themselves, their agenda, or anything at all for that matter. Of course, if we sign up for a site membership, starting at about $20 a month, we could get more information …”

“What’s everyone looking at me for?” Buffett said.

“Don’t worry about it, Warren. Anyway,” Stinton continued, “we need to keep our eyes on these folks. Any day now, they’re going to come out with sensitive information about the inner workings of NAR that REALTORS® and the general public are going to be shocked — shocked! — to find out about. I’m sure of it. Any day now. Very soon. Seriously. Could be anytime at all. Really, I mean it.”

Editor’s Note: While we take very seriously any effort to denigrate the great work thousands of REALTOR® volunteers provide to their industry, we can laugh at ourselves too!

Brian Summerfield

Brian Summerfield is Manager of Business Development and Outreach for NAR Commercial and Global Services. He can be reached at bsummerfield@realtors.org.

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Comments
  1. Nobu Hata

    They’ll tell ya’ but you have to PAY TO READ IT. What the?

  2. Don Sherman

    LOL.. Thanks, i needed a laugh!

  3. “Poor Nessie….” is what got me. Up to that point I was snickering, but that made me burst out laughing.

    If it isn’t one thing it’s another. For the love of all that’s holy, why can’t people just go sell a house? The amount of time and money that goes into these things is such a detraction from actually doing the job.

  4. Is it true, that after Chicago and D.C. the next office will be in Area 51? Um, oops…. Was I supposed to ask that out loud?

  5. Brian Summerfield

    Matt: No, you weren’t supposed to mention that. I’ve alerted the authorities, and a couple of guys in black suits and shades should be stopping by your house in a few minutes to pick you up.

    Nobu: I’ve heard that any cause starts out as a movement, then turns into a business, then devolves into a racket. I’d say the NAR Scandal folks skipped the first two steps.

  6. I *knew* it was all LeBron’s fault. I just knew it.

    “What’s everyone looking at me for?” Buffett said.”

    Classic.

    LOVE this post. Absolutely love it. It’s the *perfect* response to a ridiculous site. And you didn’t even “nofollow” the link to it.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find my tinfoil hat.

  7. Very well handled. Love it.

  8. Brian Summerfield

    Jay and Nicolai — thanks for your comments! Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

  9. Holly Mabery

    I love this post…perfect given the smarmy email. A perfect response.

    Thank you I so need a hearty laugh.

  10. Shhhh…don’t laugh. You’ve all made yourselves targets for the whistle-blowers now.

    Me? I think this is VERY, VERY, VERY important and I have paid for my membership in full for the next 10 years.

    Yeah right.

    If it’s so juicy and so good, why wouldn’t you take it to the press, the DOJ, spill it all and show the world the “truth.?” Oh that’s right, because you want to make money off of fear-mongering. I’m the first one to raise my hand and say “uh, NAR, what were you thinking or doing?,” but this is scandal for money’s sake and nothing more in my opinion. I wish these as-of-yet-unrevealed-masterminds the best of luck and feel sorry for anyone who pays for it.

    I’m on their mailing list apparently. Ugh. Did I ask to be on it? No. I wonder if their unsubscribe works as well as TopProducer’s?

    I think I’m going to start a pay site…”The Truth About Jay Thompson.” Who’s in?

  11. LMFAO This is one of the best posts! Scandal? Me thinks they want to make a buck from suckers willing to pay for juicy non-news. Maybe Google should start charging for searches :)

  12. Brian;
    Nicely done –
    Amazing how people can make allegations without foundation and call it “breaking news”. What an example of “internet muscles” these folks are. Makes me proud that our association has a good sense of “internet humor”

  13. very funny! Thanks for the laugh!

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